1. Successful Businessman
P: "Hi, how are you?"
SB: "Doing just fine, thanks."
[...]
SB: "Well obviously they just don't understand market economics. In my successful business #17, I made a bazillion dollars and if I were in charge there they would be making a bazillion dollars too."
P: [internal monologue] "then why are you driving a private taxi for less than minimum wage?"
2. Finds Everything Funny Guy
FEFG: <laughing>
P: "Uh, hello"
FEFG: "Hi, hahaha, how are you? ha ha ha"
P: "Fine, thanks."
FEFG: "Look at that guy in the car ahead of us!"
<P strains his neck around the seat to look>
FEFG: "He's smoking a cigarette while driving!" <laughing hysterically>
P: "Oh, hehe, yes, humorous"
FEFG: "He's still smoking and he's driving! Smoking a cigarette! Look at that!" <more hysterical laughing>
P: [internal monologue] "please let this ride end soon..."
3. Nostalgia Guy
NG: "A couple of years ago, we were making real money"
P: "Oh ya? Not anymore?"
NG: "No, the free ride is over."
P: "You mean for drivers the free ride is over?"
NG: "Oh ya, we made way more money back then. But people who are complaining just don't understand business. It makes sense that we're making less now."
P: "Ok..."
NG: "Ya, I mean, they've got a business to run."
P: "They sure do."
4. Marijuana [sorry, "cannabis"] Business Guy
MBG [talking for most of ride on his phone]: "Ya well we just need to get them back into the meeting ... we can definitely guarantee $100,000 ... blah blah blah ... [I forget] ..."
MBG [35 minutes later turning to me]: "so what kind of business you in?"
P: "Transportation. What about you?"
MBG: "Cannabis."
P: "Sorry?"
MBG: "CANNABIS."
P: "Ah cool. How's that working out?"
MBG: "Great."
P: "Are you worried that it's not legal federally and so there's all sorts of risks, etc, etc?"
MBG: "I like that it's such a grey area. Better to make big plays and take big chances and come out on top."
P: "You said it!"
5. Slick Eminem-Like Rapper Guy With Hat Pulled Way Down Over Eyes Leaving Pemulis to Wonder how he can see the Road
SRG: "Ah jus' moved back to SF after livin' in Las Vegas takin' care of ma' grandmotha'"
P: "Nice"
SRG: "Ah wanna make sure that ah don't fall in with tha same crowd ah was runnin' wit befo'"
P: "Ok."
SRG: "Ah jus' drivin' fo Lyft fo now cause it real low key ya know wadda mean?"
P: "Totally. You're from San Francisco?"
SRG: "Oakland. That the real San Fran."
6. Really, Really Dumb Guy
RRDG: "So where you guys from?"
P: "We're from Munich"
RRDG: "Where's that?"
P: (thinking "seriously??") "Germany"
RRDG: "Germany? Wow! They speak German there?"
P: "Yes."
RRDG: "I'm originally from Pakistan but I've lived here since I was a kid."
PB: "I'm originally from Tunisia"
RRDG: "Sorry, Tunasia? [sic]"
PB: "Yes, Tunisia."
RRDG: "Where's that?"
PB: "It's in Africa"
RRDG: "Wow!!!!!!! So what would you say are the main differences between Germans and Tunasians [sic]? ... It's Tunasians [sic], right?"
PB: "Sure."
RRDG: "Are there, like, lions running around everywhere?"
PB: "No. Maybe there might be some in East Africa, like Kenya or places like that."
RRDG: "Where's Kenya?"
P and PB thinking: "WOW!!!"
7. Guy Who Wouldn't Pick Us Up After San Jose Sharks Game Because He Found Out He Would Have to Drive Us All the way to San Francisco
P [calling the guy]: "Hey, are you coming to get us?"
GWWPUU: "It'll be like an hour because the road you're on is closed"
P [looking at the wide open road on which he finds himself]: "No it's not."
[GWWPUU hangs up]