Christmas is coming

This year, in a few days from now, Germany will be the home to one hundred and twelve thousand six-hundred and ninety-seven Weihnachtsmärkte and Christkindlmärkte (Christmas Markets), of which approximately seven thousand are in the final stages of preparation here in Munich [FN1]. Christmas Markets in theory are actually kind of nice. They look like they have a wondrous, magical-like atmosphere where people are having fun while strolling about with friends, shopping for hand-made wooden ornaments, and keeping warm with Glühwein and fried/roasted/boiled German fare. Most of the markets open up on the Friday before the first Sunday of Advent, meaning that the charming (looking) pop-up towns will open their doors to us in just a week's time.

Munich's first Christmas Market dates all the way back to 1310, while the Vienna December Market -- a forerunner to today's Christmas Markets -- is even more ancient with a launch-date of 1294 [FN2]. The CM tradition is billed as an avenue for family and friend get-togethering, relaxation, and living an embodiment of the Christmas Spirit which, not being all that religious and therefore not having all the details, I understand reflects a celebration of the miracle of the birth of a child whose Mother was so good at sticking to her story that not only did her husband believe her, but unwittingly (one presumes) launched a worldwide religion that now counts over two billion partisans. The truth is, however, that the only miraculous thing happening here is the fact that these markets are still going strong seven centuries after their initial creation, and that some people actually seem to genuinely enjoy attending them.

Christmas Markets are crowded. Like really, really, really crowded. I think I've mentioned here, meaning on this Blog, that Bavarians make an impressive brew. Glühwein, on the other hand, is just absolutely and terribly disgusting. You can maybe stomach one on the first weekend for novelty's sake. After that, however, you would have to be one thirsty mo-fo to be ordering seconds. The stench of the abomination of mulled wine floats in the air above the markets, and since there are so many of these markets (see introduction, supra), it makes its way like a Beijing smog cloud throughout the city on an anthropomorphic mission to really just piss me off. The smell is like a very special kind of vomit whose burning acidic composition enters the sinuses and, as my pal Dave Pirner [FN3] once said, nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd, and the same can be directly applied to emesis as anyone who has had the unfortunate luck of being on a plane when one soldier (metaphorically speaking) goes down (commences to spew chunks), you're going to get some kind of snowball-chain-reaction thing going on, and basically that's what the whole Glühwein season makes me feel like.

Christmas Markets are also invariably cold and wet, and being wet -- rather than, say, snowy -- they feel even colder than they would be if it were in actual fact colder and therefore cold enough so that the rain could become snow and things wouldn't be as wet and therefore not feel nearly as cold (even though it would be colder). Now, this is of course not the Christmas Markets' fault in any way, but since December in Germany doesn't regularly get cold enough to snow (but does get cold enough to be miserable), an activity that encourages/requires you to come stand around outside during a time of year that, on average, experiences these temperatures can, in fact, be faulted for those same meteorological conditions, even though the CM itself has no direct control over same.

The next problem I have with the Christmas Markets is another one related to nausea, and this time it's not with what you drink, but with what you eat. All Christmas Markets have perfected the art of food preparation where the food looks and smells just fine, but after a few bites, all basically goes to hell. You see, these unfailingly-deep-fried delicacies that include oil-drenched Käse Spätzle with Sauerkraut, fried dough covered in apple sauce, and of course -- remember this is Germany -- all manner of Wurst, start off tasting just fine. Then, before you're any the wiser, a chain reaction seems to set off within the depths of the intestine that causes a number of things to occur, including: (1) you not wanting to have anything to do with even the mere thought of taking another bite; (2) headaches, indigestion, irritable bowel syndrome, &c.; (3) swearing to never order food at another Christmas Market ever again, so help me God.

Finally, there is the matter of the trinkets which is I suppose what puts the "Market" in Christmas Market, and so clearly form an important part of the whole venture. The principal problems here are really two-fold. First, you think to yourself, you know what? I'm going to go down to the local Christmas Market (remember there really are thousands and so there's always a local one) and pick up some gifts. The problem is that it's mostly junk. I use the term trinkets very deliberately as trinkets is the most apt description for most of what's being sold. Wooden dolls, cheap toques, paper lanterns, Coca Cola place mats, bead necklaces, and religious novelties of all kinds. Some things I guess are kind of neat (once) like the Christmas Pyramids and the smoking incense doll things, but then of that small subset of items, we lead to the second half of that two-fold problem I mentioned earlier: it's still all junk! The stands give off the aura of hand-made, local-made, German-craftsmanship, but turn over a wooden whirlygig candle-powered windmill machine "painted by an artisanal hand-crafting German painter" or some such thing, and you'll see the "MADE IN GERMANY" sticker just covering up the smaller "MADE IN CHINA" stamp beneath. These stands are for one thing, and for one thing only: ripping off tourists! [FN4]

Despite all this, however, there is one good thing about Christmas Markets: it means that Christmas is coming. And that, in turn, means several other things, including: (1) some de minimis amount of time off of work, or if you're really lucky, something on the order of three weeks away from it; and (2) soon, the Christmas Markets will go away for another year.

Bah humbug! [FN5].


[FN1] All cited statistics are estimations on the part of the author.
[FN2] Wikipedia.
[FN3] Who turned 50 this year, by the way [FN3.1].
[FN3.1] And on the topic of Soul Asylum in general, did you know that they released a new album about a year and a half back?; "In 2012, Soul Asylum are pretty much off everyone's radar and they're back to recording for a small indie label, so it makes a certain sense that Delayed Reaction is their best album in ages." How about that?
[FN4] So beware.
[FN5] I actually really love Christmas time including being with family, the joy of giving and receiving gifts, delicious food and drink (not from German Christmas Markets), including Booze Soup (TM), Christmas parties that are basically just a concentrated form of the previous points, and a whole bunch of other stuff. But I thought that the "Bam humbug!" fit nicely at the end of this here little rant. Frohe Weihnachten!!!