Kipling

“London is for businessmen, Paris is for fashion and the Canal and growing up, Berlin is for street artists, Grenoble is for cyclists and skiers and scientists, Munich is for beer drinking, Rome is for everything – especially food and coffee, Austria – the whole country – is for trail runners and pastries and I would say classical music, Amsterdam is I guess sort of for art and flowers and probably diamonds too and drugs, Marseille is for sitting around all day long drinking bad espresso or good mint tea, oh, and boat rids, Lanzarote is for drinking white wine, sitting on the beach, and some cycling too, Toronto is useless, Hong Kong is for more business and expat drinking, Montpellier is for students, Barcelona is for everything but Tapas have an undeserved reputation of being good (by the way), Bali is for surfing, Montreal is where it’s at, Brussels is for members of the European Parliament and for jogging and really expensive hotels, Tuscany is for wine and coffee and olive oil and hot sun and beautiful views and taking it slow (but also running marathons), oh wait, London is also for ethnic food of all kinds and cool record shops and big protests, as is Seattle (for the latter), Geneva is for watches and not much else, Lyon is for river boat bars and apparently weddings, Salzbug is for Stiegl, Sweden is for smoked fish and Ironmans, Moissieu-sur-Dolon is for Pétanque and relaxation, Padova is for concerts and shoes and day-trips to Venice and startup smartwatches, Dublin is for Guinness, Prague is for the river and the streets and Pilsner and ballet I believe but it’s no Moscow though I’ve never been, Nice is for jazz festivals and more Ironmans, Paris is Paris is Paris is Paris is Paris is Paris, Delft is not worth your time, Guelph is for running, Torino is for aperitivi and Fiat and, along with Barcelona, a strong reminder that putting a bunch of money into the worst part of town in hopes that after the Olympics it will change what made it the worst part of town normally doesn’t exactly work out, Vancouver has some of that but you can see the mountains and get to them pretty easily, Bern is for reinforcing the idea that Switzerland can be a pretty boring place, Lausanne is to counteract that feeling, Stockholm in particular is for being overwhelmed with grandness and for organic food, Antibes is to show you that while it’s the Côte d’Azur it’s no Nice, Avignon is mainly so you can say that you’ve been there and be disappointed with the famous pont, Annecy is beautiful and like many other places also for marathons, Florida is North America’s Nice and vice versa, California is the promised land, Lille is the North and is pretty dreary but it’s still France, Calais is much worse though, Leeds is a place, Cornwall is for surfing believe it or not, did I mention Grenoble?”

“They’ve got to be for more than just that.”

“They are. Those are just the main important points.”

“You really think Toronto is useless?”

“Well not completely useless. There’s that terrible hockey team that’s fun to laugh at. But… hmm… ya, pretty useless.”

“What about the CN Tower?”

…

“Fair enough. What about that restaurant Lee? And Susur?”

“He moved to New York when he realized that he was in Toronto.”

“Who?”

“The chef. Susur Lee.”

“That was one person?”

“Yup.”

…

…

“Is Munich only for beer drinking?”

“No. But I would say that’s it’s main draw. It is where the Oktoberfest takes place.”

“I thought Oktoberfest was everywhere. There’s even one in Toronto, by the way.”

<sigh>

“What else does Munich have?”

“They have Frühlingsfest.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s basically Oktoberfest but a little bit smaller and it happens in the Spring.”

“Anything else?”

“Yup. Starkbierfest.”

“Let me guess; another beer festival?”

“Yes! The Strong Beer Festival – happens in March.”

“Toronto has the Toronto International Beer Festival.”

…

“Is there anything good in Munich that doesn’t end with ‘bierfest’?”

“Yes, there’s the Braukunst!”

“What’s that?”

“It’s the craft beer festival. Really nice.”

“Ok. More specifically, does Munich have anything good not related to beer?”

“Hmm… there’s the wine and style show in the Fall.”

<sigh> “What about something cultural? Like to do with museums for example.”

“Yes! There is Die Lange Nacht der Museen!”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a night where all the museums stay open all night long and turn into bars and nightclubs! Super cool!”

…

“It’s also close to the mountains.”

“That’s good. What about within Munich?”

“The Olympic Park is pretty nice.”

“It’s not in a part of town that they wanted to rejuvenate and let go to shit after the Olympics ended and there was no more money?”

“No, it’s one of the nicest parts of the city actually. I think that strategy that failed in Barcelona and Torino and kind of Vancouver, etc., was only started more recently. The Munich Olympics had its own problems though.”

“Like what?”

…

“Have you ever been to Japan?”

“Only the airport, so no. Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering.”

…

“How’s the weather in Munich?”

“Right now it’s really cold. Snows most days, even. Last night it was -13!”

“Ouch. That is cold.”

“Yup.”

“What do you do in Munich?”

“In the summer you go to the riverbanks and you have picnics and BBQs. It’s actually pretty cool.”

“And in the winter?”

“Write stuff in cafés that doesn’t make much sense.”

“Fair enough. So Stockholm is intimidatingly grand?”

“Yes. All of the buildings are size XXL. And there’s the King’s castle looking over the city on this big hill-“

“The King?”

“Ya, the King.”

“Sweden has a King?”

…

“Do you know any famous photographers that live there by any chance?”

“Yes.”

“Do you get any enjoyment out of your work?”

“Not really.”

“But it doesn’t leave you with a sense of fulfillment or like that you have some purpose or…?”

“Nope.”

“What’s Rome like?”

“You’ve never been?”

“Only passing through.”

“It’s great. I wish I could spend a lot more time there.”

“But what’s great about it? You’re never very specific in your answers.”

“I dunno. I’m not a very specific person. Some places, like Rome for example, are just great.”

“Hey do you know that Kipling poem If?”

“Stoicism and all that?”

“Well I suppose so. But it’s more than that.”

“How so?”

“It’s just great.”

“Ah-ha! You see!”

“Hey what happened to all your hair?”

“Bad genes and stress, I guess.”

“That sucks.”

…

“So it seems you’re big on Paris then?”

“Oh ya. Big time.”

“What’s so great about it?”

“Everything. Well, everything except the weather. It rains all winter long. The summertime is glorious though.”

“People use that word? Glorious?”

“Probably mainly in writing. I can’t imagine myself saying it out loud.”

“But you just did.”

…

“What’s wrong with Antibes?”

“Too many people and it’s a bit dirty these days I think. It’s still a nice place though.”

“What about the old town?”

“Beautiful. But it’s right by the marina filled with multi-million-dollar yachts. It almost makes you sick how much money some people have.”

“Totally. We should do something about that.”

“Careful. Say something like that in Canada and under the new terrorism laws they’ll lock you up.”

“Ya, that Harper. He’s terrible.”

“Shut up! You want to go to jail? Or worse, a CSIS secret prison?”

“You can’t even complain about the government anymore?”

“Only the Harper Government™. That’s totally illegal.”

“Do you like coffee?”

“See above.”

“Fair point. It’s good in Rome but bad in Marseille?”

“More or less. But really it can be good anywhere.”

“True dat.”

…

“What’s Moissieu-sur-Dolon?”

“It’s a small town somewhere between Grenoble and Lyon. Don’t you read that Grenoble WMD blog?”

“No. Never heard of it.”

“Check it out. It used to be pretty good but has kind of gone down hill lately.”

“That’s too bad.”