"Not much happens when you have a baby," Nick said. "Everything takes so long and then nothing happens."
"But what are the 'things' in everything that takes so long so that nothing can happen?" Pemulis asked. "It sort of sounds contradictory."
"Oh, you know, nothing really".
Scene 2 [nothing happens]
Pemulis has been dreaming about a relaxing lakeside getaway for some time now. With Baby Helga's arrival, stress relief has been hard to come by. But he has foresight and he knew, thanks to the Canadian Farmer's Almanac, that 2016 would bring the Great May Canadian Heat Wave [TM]. And so he reads up on the Italian* parental leave laws and regulations and fills out all the paper work and gets himself one month of unpaid but somewhat state-subsidized leave from work for the month of May. Pemulis, Joelle, and Baby Helga arrive to little fanfare in the Great White North and soon afterwards are cottage-bound. Following three hundred and seventeen stops on the way up, they arrive at the quiet lakefront vacation home only to discover the cries of another baby. The next day's entirety is filled up by driving approx. 10,000 km to pick up Baby Helga's Aunt who I don't think has had a special name Christened to her on this blog. We'll call her Mrs. Ed.
Finally, with Mrs. Ed loaded up in the car, groceries purchased, and the Tesla Model 3 (not really) fueled up, they head back to the cottage for the relaxing to finally begin. Baby Helga wakes the cottage dwellers up at 4:15 AM. Pemulis is so exhausted from driving the equivalent distance of a round-trip on the Orient Express and getting back so late the night before and being awoken from his peaceful slumber some 3-4 hours later that little relaxing can be had on this day. He makes a plan to go to sleep earlier tonight and has confidence that Baby Helga will wake up at a more sensible hour the following day.
Obviously neither of those things happen. Additional guests arrive at the cottage even later than their previous night's arrival and the next morning Helga welcomes the world of the conscious at approximately 3:45 AM. Now that may seem so early that you might say "well it's the middle of the night so why don't you just go back to sleep?" to which Pemulis would reply [maniacally] "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha" (x14).
Fast-forward to a week later and Pemulis is in the Air Canada Platinum Members Departure Lounge sipping a Vodka Martini while Joelle gets a pedicure in imported Maldives saltwater done by aesthitician-to-the-stars Marcy Runkle. Meanwhile Baby Helga is being attended to by professional Swedish infant-care specialists trained by King Carl XVI Gustaf's longtime care staff who have passed on ancient and mysterious child-rearing techniques for nineteen generations and who have been at the wheel for raising such successful former babies as Albert Einstein, Guenter Grass, and (obviously) King Carl himself. When boarding time comes the family is escorted on to the plane's first class upper-deck area through the VIP entrance and the flight staff personally put together a live performance of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew (at the insistence of King Carl's staff who suggest that the parents could also use a little care themselves) with a special guest appearance by Blue Jays 3B man Josh Donaldson as Petruchio. The Pemulis Family arrives in Foggia (see footnote, supra) and win the 100 Million Dollar lottery. Pemulis finally relaxes.
* if you're up on your GWMD/Pemulis Kremlinology (aka Pemulology and Grenoblogology) then you'll remember that despite the blog's name being Grenoble -- which is in France btw -- and despite the principal locale of said blog for the last nearly three years being Munich -- which is in Germany btw -- then you'll remember from "Eastward the Course of Empire Makes Its Way (Eventually)" that Pemulis actually lives in the town of Foggia -- which is in Italy.
Scene 3 [something happens]
Baby Helga sleeps in until 6:45 AM on the final day of the Canadian Heat Wave which happens to mysteriously coincide with the final day of the Canadian Summer Vacation part 2 (last summer counted as part 1) and all rejoice appropriately.
