Helga’s Kanadian Adventure

A Guest Blog submitted by (probable) loyal reader Helga:

    It’s me, Helga!  I want to tell you about my holiday in Kanada.  It’s really different from the place-where-I-usually-live-with-Pemulis-and-Joelle (my parents).
    First, in Kanada my parents own 2 houses, one with Gosig and one with Aero.  These are dogs.  I was very disappointed with dogs.  Normally, I can get attention by smacking-in-the-face.  But when I smacked-in-the-face Gosig, he went back to sleep.  The nerve!  And when I smacked-in-the-face Aero, he just turned his head away and never said a word.  So my first piece of advice if you are going to Kanada is this: smack-in-the-face does not work with dogs.  It does work with Grandmas.  That brings me to my second point.
    Pemulis and Joelle have installed a Grandma in each of their houses.  These Grandmas make food for us and even diaper-change us.  Well, diaper-change me at any rate.  I did not see the Grandmas diaper-change my parents, so perhaps they do this when I am asleep.  Also, the Grandmas are different in each house, but they have the same name.  What a coincidence!  Each Grandma is provided with a Grandpa, who does not do the diaper-change, even when I ask politely.  And the Grandpas do not make food for us, so what good are they?  Well, they get rid of the Schnee.  That’s one thing they do.  If they do anything else, I can’t say what it is.
    That brings me to my third point.  You can build a Schneemann in Kanada and it will stay put and not disappear.  In the place-where-I-usually-live-with-Pemulis-and-Joelle, the Schneemann will go away without even saying good-bye.
    Fourth, In Kanada trees grow inside the house and presents grow under the trees and I get to keep most of them!  The presents, that is, not the trees.  The trees stay there.  I asked politely if a tree could be brought home with us, but I was ignored.
    Fifth, there are other people in the houses besides the Grandmas and the Grandpas.  Big people, little people, all sizes.  Most of them will play with me for a while but they get tired easily and stop playing.  One of these people is called “Aunt Kit” and she has a baby inside her!  She must have swallowed the baby because otherwise how did it get in there?  I don’t know how she will get the baby out, but if she does, I can teach it “Dinosaur” and “Smack-in-the-face.”  These are fun things to do.  Also, I can teach it “Dancing-with-a-backpack,” which is a useful skill.
    Finally, in Kanada I am well but Pemulis (my Dad) is sick.  This is the opposite of the place where I am sick but Pemulis is well.  I do not like the being sick, but Pemulis really doesn’t like the being sick and complains all the time!  Such moaning and groaning you have never heard. I want to say, “Suck it up, Dad,” but I don’t know how to say that yet.  Someday I will say that in 3 languages.
    If you go to Kanada, remember that your Dad will get sick.  It’s required, I think.  Your Mom will not get sick, which is a really good thing.  You don’t want your Mom to ever be sick because you will not get the diaper-change nearly as much if your Mom is sick.
    Here is my list of the Top-10-most-important things-to-know-about-Kanada:

1. Grandmas are always nice.
2. Dads get sick all the time.
3. Dogs don’t listen to you.
4. Schneemann don’t run away.
5. No-one speaks Krippe-talk.
6. Parents own two houses.
7. There is lots of room to play “Dinosaur.”
8. Babies may be swallowed.
9. Trees grow inside.
10. Presents grow under the indoor trees.