Small Fry

Editor's Note: this is an entry from our "submitted blogs by readers" series. The author has requested to remain anonymous.

Many weeks ago I read an excerpt from a book called Small Fry in a magazine called Vanity Fair (symbolism of worldly ostentation and frivolity?). The book is a memoir by Steve Jobs's (Apple co-founder, eventual CEO then outcast then CEO again) daughter, Lisa Brennan-Jobs. The excerpt is short -- around 3000 words -- and sad. Like uber-sad. One of the saddest things I ever read. At first I thought "I won't read that book, it seems too sad" but I was drawn to it. Like a moth to a flame (I should trademark that). I pre-ordered the book on a website called Amazon (heard of it?) and even though it was not set to be released for another 10 days or so, it arrived early, in late August. Every page of the book is sad (so at least the excerpt wasn't false advertising). But I just couldn't stop reading it. I read the whole book -- 381 pages -- in one day while I was supposed to be working (something to do with trains). I was addicted to the sadness and though reading it made my heart feel heavy, I enjoyed the feeling, like although it was unpleasant, it was something strong and it meant something. Somehow it was important. 

I felt intense sympathy for the author (not empathy though because come on). I wanted to hug her. In some strange fantasy I imagined that I could meet her and we could be friends and I could comfort her and say things like "you are a good person and no one should have ever done those mean things to you". Of course it's ridiculous but I thought I could tell her something like you deserve to be loved too.

I'd never thought so much about the actual author behind the words, even for other autobiographies (in the highly originally titled "Clapton: The Autobiography" which believe it or not is an autobiography by Eric Clapton, I just kind of felt bored once he stopped being a crazy drug and alcohol addicted rockstar). I wondered how her, or anybody really, remembers such specific memories from their lives. ... His voice was so sharp that I wondered why they bought them at all. "We need them to make ours," he said. So computers make computers, I thought. After that we said goodbye to the men and walked back up stairs. How does she remember these scenes and who said specifically what and at what time? Is she inventing it? Do other people have memories like this? I can't remember detailed conversations from earlier this morning, let alone many years ago. Is she special in that way and that's why she can write such an affecting book? Or am I deficient in some way that I can't imagine being able to remember details like this?

I read the book so fast that I was sad when it was over (obviously one would feel sad after reading all that sadness, but I meant I was sad that there wasn't more sadness to read about!). And whenever I would pick up the book after just a few sentences it would change who I was. I would start making plans in my head that at that time there was a strange mixed feeling of both believing that I would do these things but also knowing that once I stopped reading and a little bit of time went by I would go back to normal and wouldn't feel as strongly about doing those things anymore and most definitely wouldn't actually do them.

Once, I held a brief thought that was: I'm glad I bought her book because she deserves to have success. I want her to know that she's talented both because I think she is but also because she's suffered. Then I think about how she's allegedly inherited millions of dollars from her father and then money doesn't seem as important. And then I think that money can't do anything because of the emotional abuse that she seems to have encountered as a child. And that causes me to realize that I believe that once someone has been emotionally abused that they can never be whole, no matter what happens much later in life -- even being a successful writer. And extending that further maybe any kind of trauma means you can never be whole or fully happy, whatever that might be. But everyone eventually goes through something sad in life and so if that thought is true then from the moment we're born we're just on an eventual course to never being whole again. That's pretty depressing. Good thing it was just a brief thought. And maybe I should stop reading such sad books.